My Living Situation

When God sends you signs to do something, it's best that you recognize the signs and take heed. If you don't take heed, God will pimp-slap you on the head until you listen.

Back in March, I decided that even though my roommate and I had had a few issues, it hadn't really been that bad. So I searched and searched for an apartment until I found one that we both liked. We put in applications and got approved. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have made a different decision and just searched for my own place.

1. Last Tuesday I got a call from the new complex telling me that they present complex hadn't sent in the rental verification form. She then tells me that we have to pay a deposit of one month's rent. Now mind you that this was 3 days before we were supposed to sign the damn lease. I HAVE NEVER HAD TO PAY A DEPOSIT. I asked her why we would have to pay a deposit and why was I just being informed. Of course she said that she told me that a deposit was required when the applications were reviewed. She never said that. She said that the deposit was required because my roommate's credit was not sufficient to be on a lease, but because I was approved with no conditions, he could sign the lease with the deposit. I told her that because she waited until 3 days before signing day, I would not be signing a lease with them. SIGN NUMBER 1.

2. In the apartment, I am responsible for the power and water bills since they add up to $120. He is responsible for the cable bill since it is also $120. Wednesday, I got home from a work related trip in Maryland to find that the cable and internet were off. This is not the first time that this had happened. It was the 3rd. Thr first 2 times, he would rush over and pay enough of the bill to get the services restored.

This time I called the cable company myself to see what the hell was going on. It turns out that he hadn't paid the bill in 3 months. The representative told me that it was 59 days past due and that they would be out the next day to retrieve the DVR boxes. Because I need internet service for my job, I told her that I would come by tomorrow and pay the past due amount of $157 so that service could be restored. She was nice enough to restore service for that day. Right after that, I decided that I wasn't going to pay anything because it was his responsibility. So I call the roommate and told him that he needs to pay the bill by 5pm on Thursday. He paid the bill and had the cable service turned off, but left the internet service on. I could live with that. SIGN NUMBER 2.

3. He locked me out of the house. YES, HE LOCKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE! I came home from my part-time job on Thursday at 5pm. I put my key in the lock and unlocked the door. I turn the knob and the door wouldn't open. This fool had put the privacy lock on. Now keep in mind that this is not thr first time that this has happened. It has probably happened about 15 times in the past. It happened 3 times in one week. Normally, I would just call him and he would unlock the door. This time when I called, he didn't answer. I called him about 10 times and go no answer. To say that I was heated would be an understatement to say the least. I threw rocks at his window. I knocked on the door. I kicked on the door. I did everything that I could think of except climb on the second floor balcony and knock on the patio door.

So after an hour, I decided to just drive over to a friends house and wait until this fool answered his damn phone. Just as I had gotten into the car, he ran outside to his car. Apparently, he had left his phone in his car, gone inside and fallen asleep. When I walked past him, he asked me what was wrong. I screamed at him that he had locked me outside in the 80 degree weather for a fucking hour. He gave me a lame ass apology and said that he would make it up to me. I told him not to worry about it because I wasn't living with him anymore. While waiting outside I thought about the past year of living with him and how many times he had done something to piss me off. SIGN NUMBER 3.

All of these things happened within a 48 hour period. It finally hit me what was happening. I had prayed about if I should live with this dude again. God was sending me signs that I shouldn't do it. I'm just glad that I was able to see them before I signed another lease with this dude.

But even after I decided not to live with this dude, there was more drama. I went to the leasing office so that I could look at some 1 bedroom apartments in the complex to decide if I wanted to stay or not. (I am since I got an 850 sq ft apartment for $725 with only $299 to pay for the entire month of June). I found out that there was an $832 balance on our lease. Come to find out, the check that he wrote for his half (we write separate checks for a reason) of APRIL's rent bounced. When that happens, the tenant has to pay the rent, an NSF fee or $60, a late fee of $112, and the leasing concession which in our case is $190. So a total of $832 was due for his half of the rent plus the fees.

The leasing manager told me that they were about to file a disposition on BOTH of us because it was 60 days past due. A disposition means that they are notating your credit report that you owe a leasing company. When they told me that, I called my roommate and didn't get an answer. I was about to go over to his job and act like an angry baby's mama until he called me. I told him that if he didn't pay the leasing office by 5pm on Thursday that they were going to file the disposition on BOTH of us and that if he fucks up my credit I would sue his ass. I could have paid the money and been done with it, but why should I have to do that?

The leasing office told me that I could file a relinquish form and have my name taken off the lease. That would free me up from any liability that he owes and allow me to get the new apartment. I signed it and left it for him to sign because I had a plane to catch. He finally paid the money after I had left for Savannah.

Before I left, I made arrangements to move into my new apartment on the 7th. I can't wait to live by myself again. I originally wanted a roommate because I wanted to save money by reducing my monthly expenses. What I have done is increased my stress level along with my blood pressure. The fact that I am now increasing my monthly expenses by about $400 is not even bothering me. I won't be able to save any money, but I will have peace of mind when I get home.

You can best believe that I will never have another roommate as long as I live. The next person that I live with will be either my partner or my child(ren).

Update 5/20/07

1. The Debt Diet sorta kinda worked for me. I recorded everything that I spent from April 15 to May 15th. I also spent money only on the things that I needed (except for eating out which I need to cut down on). For the first time since I can remember, I was able to save money from a paycheck. I was able to save $1000. Yes, I said $1000!!!!!!!! I was shocked. I repaid a loan that I got from a friend 2 weeks ago and am still left with $800. From my next paycheck I should be able to save $400 which I will put into my savings account.



2. I got a part-time job at a hotel. *Don't even think about asking for any discounts* Why did I get a PTJ? Because I have 5 or 6 days off at a time and nothing to do. Also, I have a goal in mind of paying off all credit card and personal debt that I owe. I need to do that in order to get to the goal that I have in May of 2008. For that goal, see number three.



3. I'm gonna buy a house by May of 2008. I had been thinking about it for a while and just couldn't decide if it was a good choice for me. So I prayed about it. The next day I was walking in Kroger and was about to go to the check out line. Something told me to go down a certain aisle. When I turned down the aisle, a woman asked me if she could give me her business card and if I was in the market for a house. Turns out that she was a real estate agent. That was my sign from above. I'm gonna apply for a loan in February of 2008 and start looking for a house when I am approved. I checked my credit score and I already have a high enough score to qualify for a low interest rate.

4. Hollywood and I have made it this far and it's looking good. I actually do care about him and have let him know that. Last weekend we decided to spend together. Friday we went to a movie and out to eat. Saturday we spent the night in a whirlpool suite at a hotel in town. *I know the manager so it was comped. Remember the debt diet* We turned off our cell phones, watched movies, played checkers, ate Chinese food, soaked in the whirlpool, I gave him a manicure and pedicure, and participated in some adult activities. I'm enjoying this man.



5. For some reason, I am losing the urge to find another job. I think that the benefits of this job are outweighing the cons. The benefits of travel, multiple days off, and no commute are what I enjoy most. I think that i'll stay until I decide to go to school.



6. While I was working in New Orleans 2 weeks ago, I got a chance to see the Lower 9th Ward neighborhood. Seeing the devastation in person is nothing like seeing it on the news. Seeing it in person is soooooo much more emotional than the television. But the fact that this area is still in the same condition that it was 20 months ago, is shocking. But what's even more shocking is that people have moved back into some of the dilapidated homes. I was in total shock!

7. I have finally figured out that in onder to establish and maintain a relationship, I will have to change some of my habits and ways. This is something that I haven't been willing to do in the past. But dating Hollywood has made me realize that I can't stay as rigid and uncompromising as I have been.

8. My brother and sister in law are moving to Guam in July for 2.5 years. I think that I will probably babysit my nieces at least once before they leave. I'm gonna miss them something terrible.

9. After much thinking about it, I am gonna get my windows tinted on the Maxima. This will be my first time doing anything to a car that I have owned other than changing the radio. I'm getting them tinted because the car has a black and dark gray interior. Can you can only imagine how hot it gets inside a dark car with a dark interior?

10. It seems like just last week, I was 170lbs and was trying to gain 20 lbs. Now I am 195lbs, and hate the way that I look. *I'm a little pudgy in my eyes* Others can't see it, but I can. In addition, I can't fit some of my clothes. So guess what, i'm back on my diet and exercise regimen. I don't know if i'm ever gonna be satisfied with my physical appearance.

What Would You Think, Say, Feel?

"Come over for a quickie."

This is the message that Hollywood got yesterday morning from a fellow flight attendant before his flight to Dallas.

"Are you still up? I need a massage."

This is the text message that Hollywood got just after midnight last night.

What would you think?

What would you feel?

What would you say?


It's been 6 weeks that we have been seeing each other, and as of this moment, there is no standing committment between us to be monogamous. But when I glanced over and saw these messages, I had a strange feeling. Not jealous, just strange.

I didn' t know what to think, say, or feel. So I did something that I usually don't do. I left it alone. I didn't feel like talking about it or feeling any kind of way or thinking anything of it.

But then I woke up the next morning and I did feel something. I felt as though he hasn't been honest with me. I thought that he wasn't being honest with me when I asked him if he was seeing someone or had the intentions of seeing someone in the future. I said nothing to him.

What will I think in the future? What will I feel in the future? What will I say in the future?

But as of 12:26pm on this Wednesday, May 16th, 2007, I still don't know what to feel.

Another Lawsuit

Please read this and comment news story out of Chicago and comment.

Lawsuit Over Brokeback Mountain in ClassMay 13, 7:20 PM EST
The Associated Press

A girl and her grandparents have sued the Chicago Board of Education, alleging that a substitute teacher showed the R-rated film "Brokeback Mountain" in class.
The lawsuit claims that Jessica Turner, 12, suffered psychological distress after viewing the movie in her 8th grade class at Ashburn Community Elementary School last year.
The film, which won three Oscars, depicts two cowboys who conceal their homosexual affair.
Turner and her grandparents, Kenneth and LaVerne Richardson, are seeking around $500,000 in damages.
"It is very important to me that my children not be exposed to this," said Kenneth Richardson, Turner's guardian. "The teacher knew she was not supposed to do this."
According to the lawsuit filed Friday in Cook County Circuit Court, the video was shown without permission from the students' parents and guardians.
The lawsuit also names Ashburn Principal Jewel Diaz and a substitute teacher, referred to as "Ms. Buford."
The substitute asked a student to shut the classroom door at the West Side school, saying: "What happens in Ms. Buford's class stays in Ms. Buford's class," according to the lawsuit.
Richardson said his granddaughter was traumatized by the movie and had to undergo psychological treatment and counseling.
In 2005, Richardson complained to school administrators about reading material that he said included curse words.
"This was the last straw," he said. "I feel the lawsuit was necessary because of the warning I had already given them on the literature they were giving out to children to read. I told them it was against our faith."
Messages left over the weekend with CPS officials were not immediately returned.

Now I will be the first to admit that the substitute teacher was wrong. She has no business showing ANY "R" rated movie to persons in a public school system. But we all know that the problem here is that the movie had a homosexual theme as evidenced by Mr. Richardson's use of the phrase "It is very important to me that my children not be exposed to this". I am thoroughly convinced that if this she had showed Forrest Gump or Star Wars, there would be no lawsuit.

In addition, if the showing of a movie with a homosexual theme has so severely traumatized this young lady, I truly believe that she was already psychologically traumitized. Most likely by her (seemingly) religious fanatics.

But my whole problem with the substitute is that she showed a movie at all. What was this class, film editing? She should have been teaching the kids just as the permanent teacher would (or maybe would have) been doing.

1 Month

It's been exactly one month and one week that Hollywood and I have been seeing each other. Since I have grown to like him and see potential in him, I have upgraded his status from current interest to dating. If we can last 5 more months, then we might have to upgrade this thing to the elusive relationship. If we can last 6 months after that, we might have to start picking out china patterns.

The last month has been interesting to say the least. We have had our share of good times and not so good times. People have tried to get between us. We have had arguements. He has threatened to dump me. I have told him to do it if it's what he really wants. I've found out that 3 people that I know and hang with sometimes are people that he has dated. I have spent more money dating him than with anyone else.

But all in all, I could actually imagine getting deeper with him. He appears to be someone that I could let into my heart and mind (notice that I said "could").

But all in all, we will just have to wait and see what happens.

I Worry

I worry that since I am gay, I can be attacked for that very reason. People don't know anything other than the fact that I am gay and want to assault me.

I worry that since I am gay, I will be denied some career opportunity. Once the fact is verified, I can be fired, or not even offered a position just because someone doesn't like my "lifestyle".

I worry that since I am gay, I will be denied the right to adopt children. People think that I can't be a good parent and raise well adjusted children.

I worry that since I am gay, people will think that I am a sex-staved, party-hearty, drug-abusing, sissy who preys on "straight" married men. I am none of the aforementioned.

I worry that since I am gay, I will always be disliked or even hated. People can love and like you until they find out that you are gay. Once that little tidbit is leaked or spilled, their whole image of you changes. You become everything that they hate.

I worry that since I am gay, I will not have a close relationship with my family. I don't want them to look at me "the gay person" in the family. But to look at me as me.

I worry that since I am gay, I will be subjected to ridicule and harassment. Straight people feel that gay people are less than them and that gives them the right to ridicule gays people.

Since I am gay, I do have a lot to worry about. More than just the few items that I have mentioned above. But I refuse to live my life in fear of what other people may do or say or think of me. I have made it a goal to be as happy as I possibly can despite the negative influences that surround me.

Let's Talk About Love

Love. We all want it whether we want to admit it to anyone or not. But what is love? Has anyone ever really answered that question? Is it something that we can feel? Is it something that we can see? Is is something that we can do? Is is something that we can share?

Have you ever heard someone say "I feel like I love him/her"?

Have you ever heard someone say "I can see that you love him/her"?

Have you ever heard someone say "I'm ready to love someone"?

Have you ever heard someone say "Let me give you some love"?

Sometimes you feel strongly for a person, and think that it's love, but are you really sure. You know that this person makes you feel good. He/she makes you smile. You 2 get along perfectly. You actually feel something in your heart when you talk to the person. You drive all the way across town because you were asked to bring the person some ice cream. You have sex with the person and feel a strong connection. But still, is it love? When do you know that it's love? Can you know that it's love if you don't know what love is?

People say that love can hurt. Can love hurt you? Let's say that you love someone, but they don't love you back, yet? Or what if someone cheats on or lies to you. Do you blame love or do you blame the person?

Would you do something crazy or stupid for love. If you loved someone with all your heart and they asked you to rob a bank with them, would you do it? If someone asks you to let them drive your car and they have no license, do you let them drive your precious vehicle?

If you love someone, when do you tell the person? Do you say it when you feel it or do you wait until you know that it's real? Do you put a time limit on when you can say it. Such as, "I'm not gonna say that I love so-and-so until the 3rd month is complete". Do you say it over the phone, or does it have to be in person?

I guess that we don't have this love concept all thought about as much as we would like to think that we do. Do we? Love seems to be so much. It seems like a feeling, a thought, a tangible object. But truth be told, we have no idea what love is.